Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: Peregrine Arc Celebrates 200 Subscribers 📖 (20% off my Book!)

We started in March 2018. We published Memory Bound in October 2018. Mr. Swinebottom came on the scene in December 2018 for Blogmas and kept us in tears of mirth and joy. Over 250 blogs later, here we fly.

What comes next? You’ll need to click on that follow button to join the Arcian family and find out. 🙂

Oh yes. In celebration, Memory Bound is 20% off, in soft cover, for the month of August.  Click here to order your copy today and leave me a review on Amazon, wouldn’t you?

Ker-kaw! 🦉

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Short Stories & Poetry

Author: A Time of Kerfluffles (Bad Poetry / Humorous Happenings) 🌠

Based on true events….

A Time of Kerfluffles

Two weeks ago, my eyeglasses broke. The pin popped out and the tech’s head just shook. “Too bad, you’re out of luck; you’re a blind, little bat now you idle schmuck. And don’t stumble on the welcome mat on the way out, you putz!”

My finger, shortly thereafter, broke in two; would I ever lie to you? Oh well, it’s just a strain, but I do have people sign my little splint just the same.

And then last Tuesday, I recall still yet with dread: I stepped on a rusty nail head! No scratches, no impailments, no ER trips or sky rocket payments. Tetanus shot is up to date and my guardian angel is going on vacation, post haste.

And then yesterday, or was it two days ago hence? I broke my car’s side mirror, to my garage’s horror and my proceeding recompense. Seven years of bad luck is mine from parking a smidgen too close inside.

No worries and have no fear. Because, even if this superstition is true, it’ll be over so very soon. At my current rate, I’ll be free of this bad luck around, well…let’s calculate and see. Why the year six thousand, four hundred and ninety three!

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Ponderings

Author: Eating the Sucker (Gyno Visit |Humor) 🍭

Every year when I visit my lovely gynocologist to do my health (fit as a fiddle), wealth (take my money) and stealth (ninja power level 9000) check, I usually do the same things:

  1. I forget how to get to the office. I remember on the way there.
  2. Once arriving, I try going through the same locked door. I walk down three feet and find an unlocked door. The mysteries of building security.
  3. I see at least one child being mischievous. It was two this time. They were both wearing surgical masks and a newspaper was suspiciously crumpled near them on a chair.
  4. The waiting room has at least one baby, usually more, and a few nervous and bored fathers. I suspect the nervous fathers are first time dads and the bored ones have been through the process a time or two.
  5. I ask the health tech if I can use the restroom like I’m back at school and am expecting to be told no and asked to finish my homework first.
  6. I eat a sucker at the checkout desk after everything is done. Why? Because I forget how old I am. And the check out secretary just smiles and hands me my paperwork. Peace, lady. ☮️
  7. I miss my turn on the way out to get back to the main road. Every. Single. Time.

Continue reading “Author: Eating the Sucker (Gyno Visit |Humor) 🍭”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: Oh, The Throes of Summer

Summer has camped out at the Peregrine household, making herself quite at ease, all 90+ degrees of herself. I slip the Labrador ice cubes and frozen bananas to cool her down as the Saint and I break out the fans and water jugs. Summer flits her radiant, sun bleached hair and twitters about, remarking about the rising level of humidity and how much she enjoys melting things…

Continue reading “Author: Oh, The Throes of Summer”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: “Away with You, Mortal” (YT Humor Share)

I’ve been dealing with a particular breed of salespeople lately–Class D: Door to Door Solicitors. In America, they waltz right up to your door, knock loudly and ring doorbells. Their actions promptly wake up sleeping babies as they ignore posted warning signs and they release the hounds of doom to begin barking. They sell everything from politics, religion (I say this as a Christian) to tree cutting services. I understand people need to work, and we treat them with decency and polite firmness, but I don’t find this practice a good business model or even very polite.

The Saint and I recently bought two new No Solicitors signs from Etsy, as our old sign broke. We are putting these up in hopes to deter stealthy agents of capitalism. I’m also considering a moat with alligators and some zombie signs.

One day, though, I may just enact the following plan, as enacted in the beautiful video below. Who’s with me?

 

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: If Tomorrow Wasn’t Friday (A Terrible Reading)

If tomorrow wasn’t Friday, I’d become guilty of voluntary manslaughter.

If tomorrow wasn’t Friday, I’d be streaking up and down the hallways of my work building, laughing like a maniac, passing out killer bees like party favors and tripping people with phonetically placed vowels.

If tomorrow wasn’t Friday, I’d be sharpening wooden pencils and dipping them in Poison Arrow Frog toxins. People would Croak. 🐸

If tomorrow wasn’t that glorious day, I’d make a life-size paper airplane and fly away. So long, suckers!

If tomorrow wasn’t the Fri-to-the-day, I’d find myself beating my head against the computer screen. More work would get done that way than waiting for Susie and Pete to give me excuse #11-80-and-3.

If tomorrow wasn’t the weekend, well, I just wouldn’t be pleased.

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Labrador Lessons

Author: Method #491 of Calming the Labrador (Sing Elvis)

Our dog (who, by chance, is the inspiration for a character in my book) greatly dislikes thunderstorms. It could be just heat lightning; it could be only remnants of thunder. If it’s both, it’s all over. Let the shaking, pacing, panting and anxiety begin.

Thundercoats only take the edge off for the Labrador; treats and toys are but momentary distractions. One boom-boom and we’re off to bury ourselves behind the couch cushions.

But recently, I had a breakthrough. And it’s Elvis. I began to sing “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” to the Lab, and then played the song while singing. After about fifteen renditions, I had a calm dog ready to go sleep. The storm was also done by then, but the singing helped her to stay by me during the storm. Instead of pacing, she sat by me and eventually laid down. Her panting and anxiety decreased, too. I call that a win.

So here you go. Let me know if this works for you the next time your animal kingdom companion builds up anxiety. The king would be proud. 🎤

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Star Jar

Author: Another Five Star Book Review & Star Jar ⭐

My book, Memory Bound, received  another review on Amazon the other day. Another five stars–hooray! It’s just my second review but I appreciate each one. As you can tell, this introvert is killing this marketing thing…

Screenshot_20190527-121920

Continue reading “Author: Another Five Star Book Review & Star Jar ⭐”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: May Review & Memorial Day Weekend

May was a beast. She raked her claws into me, shredded my pink unicorn blouse and left me to whistle showtunes whilst I ate vegan gummy bears and hugged my stuffed velociraptor. But I survived. By hook and by crook, and a well aimed dagger or two, I survived.

Continue reading “Author: May Review & Memorial Day Weekend”