Labrador Lessons, Quick humor

Author: My Dog Curses Out Veternarian Staff (Humor) πŸΎ

My dog cursed out both our vet and our vet tech today. It’s a little known fact that if you translate a dog’s barks, you’ll get language unfit for anyone’s ears. Our vet’s office has been coming out to owner’s vehicles during the pandemic to take the animals in for their treatment; they gives a verbal summary of the treatment at the end.

My dog’s speeches went something like this:

“I told you to get away from this car, you cheap tiara wearing, cat lover who dunks their biscuits in beef gravy and doesn’t share. If you get any closer to MY PERSON, I’ll dig your own muddy grave with my bare paws, you squirrel’s bottom!”

“Please stop barking. I’m so sorry, she usually isn’t like this–“

“And another thing, you blunt toothed canine prancer, spawn of feline, you. You smell disgustingly sweet and clean. When’s the last time you rolled around in poo, or in anything dead and rotting? Does your kind have no decency? You smell like cat and whiskery things that are made to be eaten! Well, today’s your day, lady…SAY YOUR LAST WORDS.”

*Later, in the car ride home…*

“So would you like to explain yourself today? Hmm, oh doggo of mine bosom?”

*Dog gives me the stink eye before leisurely responding from the backseat.*

“They’re all demons and work for Satan himself. If you take me back to that portal of hell and they shove that thermometer into my fluffy bottom again, I’ll take you down with me. And you better expect another pile of throw-up tonight just for sheer spite. Now roll down this window, I need to sniff this funny dog sitting next to us in traffic… HEY, YOU THERE! You’re not a dog; you’re a raccoon in a collar! Hey! Hey! Hey! YOU SMELL CLEAN! HAH HAH HAH!”

That was my day. How was yours? Cheers!

Quick humor

Poison Ivy & Gumby Toys |(Humor)

I woke up this morning looking like Quasimodo returning from a rave. As I beheld my pajamaed self in our bedroom mirror, holding my medical license I cut from the back of a cereal box, I could see that the right side of my face was swollen. My right eye looked a bit smaller than my left eye, and my arms looked like miniature chickens had a party on them all night. They had kicked up their feet in a frenzied barnyard dance, most extreme, leaving scratches and red bumps galore. I had not slept well. I scratched my neck absently. Wait, the chickens had been there, too?

Boop. Beep. Boop. Ga-hoogah.

“Dear saintly husband,” I texted, who had already left for work. “Me thinks I have a most severe, but not the severest ever (according to an illuminating, but slightly disturbing Google image search) poison ivy reaction. Please send puppies. And sympathy, if I’m ever to be so honest.”

Please scroll down to find ‘Page 2’ to continue reading.

Quick humor, Writing: I've Got Gadgets and Gizmos a Plenty...

Author: Neat Christmas Gift & Writing Group Thoughts πŸ“š

It’s a book, it’s a plane! No it’s—my new wallet! Book of Wealth, Vol. IV and I will be traveling places in 2020. Did you get any writing or other author/book related gifts this year? Let me know in the comments below.

KIMG0409KIMG0411KIMG0412

Continue reading “Author: Neat Christmas Gift & Writing Group Thoughts πŸ“š”

Quick humor

Ten Second Humor: Ear Infection & GhostsπŸ‘»πŸ‘‚

You know you don’t feel good when it sounds like someone’s walking around upstairs in your house and you shrug and break out into impromptu opera.

“Oh well,” you think. “Maybe the ghost-intruder will like it and is shuffling along, dancing in his white, bloody sheet.”

Delirium, thy name is…zzz…

Cheers!