Contest Entries, Short Stories & Poetry

Terrible Poem: “Oh, I’m a Gonna Go!”🎶

Oh, I’m a Gonna Go!

I’m a gonna go out where the wind durst blow
Sand in my knickers and mud in my toes
Where cow pies rightly disappear and the crickets eat them dangburned rusted bandoliers!
Where the guns don’t get to shootin’,
Where there’s no high brow falutin’
And everyone dances ’till half past three…
If you need me, why that there where’s I’ll be…!
In the Land of Absolution…!

-A.R. Clayton


There’s too much fun to be had at this week’s Terrible Poetry contest. Have fun and keep writing. ✏️

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: The VERY Weird Week of Weeks 🏳️

I can’t share everything, but let’s just dive into the deep end, shall we? Don’t run off now…We’re just getting started!

  • I nearly got knocked out (and I mean one-two, you’re out!) by my dog (accidentally). She was excited to see me and she was excited for her dinner–all at the same time. It was too much happiness for her to contain and process. Silly me, I knelt down to pet her and she knocked her skull against my lower jaw–hard–in her sheer and utter ecstasy. Now I know what a boxer must feel like. 🥊
  • I made a lady mad at me for my chip not working in my debit card at her register, even though their new machines weren’t working right. That was pleasant, along with her begging me (her hands were pressed together like she was praying) to look into my card’s issues. Ahem. Usually a machine will have you swipe after awhile if it can’t read your chip and all is well. Oh, no. Let’s give the blue screen of death instead and blame the customer. Cheers.
  • I got to watch someone take their driver’s test in the parking garage the other day. I’m only half kidding. I watched as someone backed up a few times in front of three waiting cars to wiggle the butt of their car into position. And then, by golly, they went for it! They went into reverse (yes, reverse; did I stutter?) into an angled parking space. I promise you, if you keep going up there are indeed more magical rectangle spaces for your fine steed. Come with me if you want to park!
  • I received a slightly panicked phonecall requesting immediate assistance, along with a half hearted warning that I may not want to come after all. That was fun. Yes, yes: everyone calm down. I’m on the case. I think.
  • My key kept getting stuck in my car’s ignition. After awhile, I think my car was trying to tell me something: “Don’t go out there, mother. It’s not worth it!” How right he is.

How about you, how was your week? Leave a thought below and hit that follow button if you want to join this crazy thing called Peregrine Arc. Ker-kaw and sakes alive, she even writes books! ✏️

Cheers.

Contest Entries

Terrible Poem: Bleak Mid-Winter❄️😴 (humor)

Let There Be Light

I don’t mind the cold or that white stuff they call snow
What I mind is the lack of light, if it’s forty days in a row.
Something kicks in, some hibernational urge
And I find myself laying in bed
Snoring a symphonic dirge

– A.R. Clayton


Want to take a try? We’re here, cheering you on. Happy writing. ✏️

Contest Entries

Author: Fast Food, Fast Fat (Terrible Poetry Jingle Contest Entry)🧂

Haven’t done a Terrible Poetry entry yet? I hide my face in shame. Go thither, you knave, and join the peons trying to out write the worst of you.

My regret entry is below. We were ashamed assigned to write a jingle this week by Sensei Owens. May it fill you with discomfort and tears at how badly it is. Cheers.

Continue reading “Author: Fast Food, Fast Fat (Terrible Poetry Jingle Contest Entry)🧂”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: Overheard in the Peregrine Household (Quick Humor) 🤭

The joys of stomach viruses, folks. Enjoy. ✏️

The Saint: “But I wanted to finish painting my room tomorrow…”

Me: “Do you think it’s a good idea to be in a room with the windows open in December when you’re sick? I don’t want you running to the bathroom like it’s your last life in Mario either.”

Ba dum, cchsssh. 🥁

Blogmas 2019

Blogmas Day 23: “The 12 Pains of Christmas”🎶

Oh, humor. What would we do without you?

The Peregrine household will be listening to this song while we wrap presents tonight. I’m a terrible wrapper, while the saint could wrap a melting igloo perfectly. Enjoy!

Blogmas 2019

Blogmas 2019: The 12 Days of Writing (Humor|Author)🤭

 

Throwback Blogmas post for today. Enjoy, Arcians!

Peregrine Arc

“This is Reginald Swinebottom presents and this is Day 2 of our 2018 Blogmas Premiere. Please join us tonight for “The 12 Days of Writing.” Our orchestra in the pit will accompany us and I will be directing our choir to help with tonight’s performance…”

View original post 572 more words

Blogmas 2019

Blogmas: A Snarky Recipe for Christmas Happiness (Humor |Day 17)🎄

  1. Add one cup of NOT keeping up with the Joneses. You can do this, I know.
  2. Consume goodies until you’re full; stop afterwards. Over eating one day a year at Christmas won’t blow your diet–it’s the other 364 days of the year. See above.
  3. Get rid of presents or limit them. Play board games or do another free activity together instead with something you already have. This will release pressure and make the happiness biscuits of Christmas rise better.
  4. Dump all me-monster, narcissistic, whining relatives into garbage dump or hole behind house (whichever is easier) before gathering. It’ll make the holiday better, trust me. Poke them with a stick every four to six hours. If they still grumble, they’re fine.
  5. Add one well behaved dog to the mix. Pets make everything better.
  6. Do not pressure your spouse/partner into buying gifts for you that are over your shared budget. Same for the other holidays. Your gift should be being together.
  7. Avoid traditions for the sake of traditions. See fruitcake.
  8. Do offer free gifts of kindness. Such examples include shoveling snow for neighbors and not singing Christmas carols door to door terribly off-key. You will scare the birds and people will call the police to report a suspected murder. Honestly, move along.
  9. Feed the birds. Refill your bird feeders in the Winter. Otherwise some unhappy bird soldiers will take aim at your car windows. Three, two, one: take aim, my fellow warriors!
  10. Christmas does not equal materialism. Christmas equals Christ. If you celebrate differently, remember your meaning for the season. Don’t let money, pressure or anxiety win. And yes, I’m working on this one, too.

I did 45 minutes of cycling today at work. Working to catch up!

See you tomorrow for Day 18! Ker kaw.🎄🦉

 

Blogmas 2019, Writing: I've Got Gadgets and Gizmos a Plenty...

Blogmas 2019: Days 13 – 15 (My Writing Room) 🧟‍♀️

I have a statue of a witch that I keep in a corner of my writing room. She was the last statue in a display of marked down Halloween items I found earlier this year. I thought she was well designed in her black and glittering robes and her tall, pointy sloped hat. Her features were gnarled and realistic. Love at first sight.

Over time, however, she actually began to scare me. It was usually when I had just finished reading a good ghost story or I began hearing the creaks of our house that sound like footsteps. Overactive writer’s imagination, you know.

I started to picture her appearing next to me while I was on my bike with my back turned to her, or creeping up to me while I was working at my desk and she was in my periphery. I began considering putting her in storage until Halloween, or until the year 2080. But then I realized something. I write horror, don’t I? Perhaps I need something that scares me a little in my writing room…

Continue reading “Blogmas 2019: Days 13 – 15 (My Writing Room) 🧟‍♀️”

Quick humor

Ten Second Humor: Ear Infection & Ghosts👻👂

You know you don’t feel good when it sounds like someone’s walking around upstairs in your house and you shrug and break out into impromptu opera.

“Oh well,” you think. “Maybe the ghost-intruder will like it and is shuffling along, dancing in his white, bloody sheet.”

Delirium, thy name is…zzz…

Cheers!