Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: My Summary of Crocheting (Humor) ๐Ÿงถ

I watched a couple tutorials about crocheting today. Another skill I could perhaps learn and make useful things using yarn. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I tried to learn how to knit once. The knitting needles were flung into the nearest wall in a fit of rage and ire, the likes of which has never been seen again. People who visited thought I had a porcupine living in my walls. No, no. It was just a visual reminder I kept to remember the evil that was and to never return to again. Ever.

The saint (my spouse) can knit and sew a bit, and quite well; he enjoys it. He’s been collecting quite a stash of yarn for his projects. He’s a patient teacher but I would rather do anything else, short of murder, than knit.

Here’s my summary of the evil that is crocheting. And remember now, this is humor.

๐Ÿงถ๐Ÿงถ๐Ÿงถ

“Yarn overโ€ฆ Yarn overโ€ฆ This here is a chain. It becomes a prison of crocheting. Yarn over some moreโ€ฆ Now we’re going to do something very simple, you peons, so please do try to keep up this time. We’re going to do a triple, double, ventriloquist, three quarter backflip, in Chinese. Now take the third loop, feed through, you should have six loops nowโ€ฆ If you don’t, all hope is lost and you have failed miserably. If you’re still with me, cast off a fish and off we goโ€ฆ!”

Ain’t life grand? No wonder cats attack balls of yarn. They were trying to save us all this time…Thanks, Fluffy. ๐Ÿฑ

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Labrador Lessons

Author: Dog Owner Truths (Humor Needed in 2020) ๐Ÿ’ฉ ๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿฅ•

Fun fact: I own a dog who is not only never happy, she’s also never had food before. I’ll offer her a baby carrot* on which she’ll crunch on and then look at me shortly for another.

“I’ve never had a carrot before, mother.”

“You just had six.”

*intense stare with violin music*

The next day, I offer her a mushroom while cooking.

“I’ve never had a mushroom, mother–“

The next-next day.

“Would you like your dinner?”

“I’ve never had—“

You get the jist.

In fact, she was just whining to me while I typed this. I looked up, asked her to come to my chair…and watched as she passed me and sauntered into the kitchen instead.

The sassiness is real.

I once had a vet tech tell me my dog was overweight. (She was, but only by a few pounds, which she quickly shed with walks. The saint and I both thought she was too thin after we rescued her. Apparently we went overboard on the treats…)

The vet tech said “If your dog is still hungry after her meals, try mixing in frozen veggies into her kibble.”

I just stared at this said vet tech. I wanted to know where she went to school. Had she ever owned a dog? What mockery was this?

“She’s a Lab. They’re ALWAYS hungry!”

It’s a universally acknowledged truth, that a plate in possession of a delicious meal is clearly in want of a Labrador…


I should go back now and educate this young vet tech some more. How my dog loves to sniff out other animal poo (and eat it, if she’s too fast for us to stop her), jump around excitedly after successfully going herself (a practice I think we should all adopt) and her penultimate favorite:

She loves to eat dead things. Case in point:

I think a hawk or an owl dropped a half of something in our backyard one day, that used to be a whole something. Oh, don’t you worry–my dog found it. Yes, indeed. And proceeded to put it inside her mouth! That was a happy day for her. Oh, happy, happy days. And an entertaining day for my neighbors as well, while they watched me chase my dog around our yard and pry her little stubborn jaws open…


Just some quick humor, all you wonderful readers. I ordered a ring light for my YouTube channel (which is recently, yet slowly, up and running). I’m hoping to film some more this weekend and picked up some goodies for some projects. Subscribe, follow and sashsay.

Write on! โœ๏ธ

Feel free to share said bloggy if you so feel inclined. Bloggy would be most pleased. Adieu.

*Check PetMD and or with your vet before giving your dog different foods to try. Be safe–their bodies and nutritional needs are different than ours.

Introductory

Updates on the Journey

Hello and welcome to Peregrine Arc, a Horror Author’s Scratchwork. I published my first novel, Memory Bound, in October 2018. I’m currently working on my second horror novel, GOTD.* Both books feature female protagonists struggling to survive in worlds where uninvited guests come just a bit too close for comfort…

I’m also starting an Author YouTube Channel. Here you’ll find me talking about my writing, literature, and dabbling in some arts & crafts. This page is in development, but I’ll be sure to post updates here when I get the steamworks up and running. Won’t you join us?

All opinions, mistakes and spiderwebs are my own here. Pass the ink blotter, would you? And do watch your step over the landing. Last chap didn’t quite make it out, poor thing…

*I only give my novels’ names in acronyms, until they’re published. Memory Bound, for example, was MB.

Quick humor

Poison Ivy & Gumby Toys |(Humor)

I woke up this morning looking like Quasimodo returning from a rave. As I beheld my pajamaed self in our bedroom mirror, holding my medical license I cut from the back of a cereal box, I could see that the right side of my face was swollen. My right eye looked a bit smaller than my left eye, and my arms looked like miniature chickens had a party on them all night. They had kicked up their feet in a frenzied barnyard dance, most extreme, leaving scratches and red bumps galore. I had not slept well. I scratched my neck absently. Wait, the chickens had been there, too?

Boop. Beep. Boop. Ga-hoogah.

“Dear saintly husband,” I texted, who had already left for work. “Me thinks I have a most severe, but not the severest ever (according to an illuminating, but slightly disturbing Google image search) poison ivy reaction. Please send puppies. And sympathy, if I’m ever to be so honest.”

Please scroll down to find ‘Page 2’ to continue reading.

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Entropy & Hysterical Chuckles (Humor | Return from Summer) ๐Ÿ‘

Our fridge broke the other week. I, being the ever so stubborn persistent person that I am, researched on YouTube and Google and did all the “common issue” maintenance I safely could, Han Solo. I thought I fixed it, but alas. Our purchased thermometers confirmed: the temperature did not stay consistent in neither the freezer nor the fridge areas. Food poisoning was lurking out in our hallway, robed in her purple velvet cloak, snickering and smirking while smelling of rancid milk. I threw an aluminum air freshener can at her.

Out, we threw all our perishable food items away. Out went my beloved hummus, Tamari, pickles and the beautiful gift of Mexico: salsa. Oh, my wounded fajita.

I kicked Food Poisoning outside into a rose bush. She’s still out there, glowering and sulking, darting me nasty looks and stale crackers with old sardines.

And stay out!!!” I thundered at Food Poisoning, while making my editor wince at my choices in punctuation.

I closed my curtains and proceed onto writing Part II of my manuscript in progress. Progress and somethings.

Then we called in a refrigerator professional…A PhD in Refrigeratology. He did his thesis on the thermodynamics of frozen strawberry ice cream. ๐Ÿ“

Continue reading “Entropy & Hysterical Chuckles (Humor | Return from Summer) ๐Ÿ‘”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: “The Pan-Dammit” Pandemic (Snarky Humor)๐Ÿคฆ๐ŸŒด

I lost my cherub-like demeanor today. It crept up slowly. I went to one of my favorite bookstores/nerdy stores today. I had been looking forward to it all day, as they recently reopened (partially). Shortly upon entering, I was told “May I help you find anything? We’re closing in ten minutes.” I smiled politely (pointless behind my mask) and said “No thank you” and proceeded to find the saint to leave. Then another worker came up to me:

“WE’RE CLOSING IN FIVE MINUTES. GET YOUR CRAP AND GET OUT, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!”

Ahem. I exaggerate a little, but that’s how the message filtered into my brain. Sniff.

Continue reading “Author: “The Pan-Dammit” Pandemic (Snarky Humor)๐Ÿคฆ๐ŸŒด”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: Grocery Shopping During a Pandemic ๐Ÿš” ๐Ÿงพ๐Ÿ’ธ

Before I tell you this story, to quote the comedian Mike Birbiglia: “Remember, you’re on my side.”

Continue reading “Author: Grocery Shopping During a Pandemic ๐Ÿš” ๐Ÿงพ๐Ÿ’ธ”

Other Interests

Author: Weekend Warrior (Humor | Upcycling Projects)๐ŸŽจ

I’ve been working on some projects lately around our house and in our yard. My wonderful little brain is brimming with lots of ideas and I’m starting to work on them all. Here’s a few I’d like to share.

Continue reading “Author: Weekend Warrior (Humor | Upcycling Projects)๐ŸŽจ”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: How Are You & New job Storytime (Humor)๐Ÿš—๐Ÿงญ

I started my new job this past week. Yes, you read that right: I started a new job in the middle of a pandemic. I fought with my GPS, driving here, driving there, to try to get myself set up as a a new employee. On Day Three, Google led me directly past where I needed to go, right into a road that I wasn’t technically allowed to enter. That was fun to explain, right before I was forced to do a U-turn, pass Go and forgo collecting my $200.

On Day Four, Google told me to go straight at a gate that was closed and barricaded. Google clearly insisted on this, and then I believe brought me to a second gate that was also closed and barricaded. I drove around on private property, trying to force the GPS to reroute and recalculate itself to give me Option B. During this time, I was praying fervently that I would make it to my appointment on time and hoping a curious cop wouldn’t find me and pull me over.ย 

I finally ended up doing a huge circle, on and off the highway, and got back to where I started. My GPS then repeated the same directions that got me into my predicament in the first place

“Take a left at Sesame Street,” Google chirped from my phone. “Sunny days. Everything is, A-Okay!..”๐ŸŽถ

“SHUT UP, GOOGLE!!!”

Let’s just say, my GPS and I are not talking at the moment.

Continue reading “Author: How Are You & New job Storytime (Humor)๐Ÿš—๐Ÿงญ”