Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: “The Pan-Dammit” Pandemic (Snarky Humor)🤦🌴

I lost my cherub-like demeanor today. It crept up slowly. I went to one of my favorite bookstores/nerdy stores today. I had been looking forward to it all day, as they recently reopened (partially). Shortly upon entering, I was told “May I help you find anything? We’re closing in ten minutes.” I smiled politely (pointless behind my mask) and said “No thank you” and proceeded to find the saint to leave. Then another worker came up to me:

“WE’RE CLOSING IN FIVE MINUTES. GET YOUR CRAP AND GET OUT, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!”

Ahem. I exaggerate a little, but that’s how the message filtered into my brain. Sniff.

Continue reading “Author: “The Pan-Dammit” Pandemic (Snarky Humor)🤦🌴”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: Grocery Shopping During a Pandemic 🚔 🧾💸

Before I tell you this story, to quote the comedian Mike Birbiglia: “Remember, you’re on my side.”

Continue reading “Author: Grocery Shopping During a Pandemic 🚔 🧾💸”

Other Interests

Author: Weekend Warrior (Humor | Upcycling Projects)🎨

I’ve been working on some projects lately around our house and in our yard. My wonderful little brain is brimming with lots of ideas and I’m starting to work on them all. Here’s a few I’d like to share.

Continue reading “Author: Weekend Warrior (Humor | Upcycling Projects)🎨”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: How Are You & New job Storytime (Humor)🚗🧭

I started my new job this past week. Yes, you read that right: I started a new job in the middle of a pandemic. I fought with my GPS, driving here, driving there, to try to get myself set up as a a new employee. On Day Three, Google led me directly past where I needed to go, right into a road that I wasn’t technically allowed to enter. That was fun to explain, right before I was forced to do a U-turn, pass Go and forgo collecting my $200.

On Day Four, Google told me to go straight at a gate that was closed and barricaded. Google clearly insisted on this, and then I believe brought me to a second gate that was also closed and barricaded. I drove around on private property, trying to force the GPS to reroute and recalculate itself to give me Option B. During this time, I was praying fervently that I would make it to my appointment on time and hoping a curious cop wouldn’t find me and pull me over. 

I finally ended up doing a huge circle, on and off the highway, and got back to where I started. My GPS then repeated the same directions that got me into my predicament in the first place

“Take a left at Sesame Street,” Google chirped from my phone. “Sunny days. Everything is, A-Okay!..”🎶

“SHUT UP, GOOGLE!!!”

Let’s just say, my GPS and I are not talking at the moment.

Continue reading “Author: How Are You & New job Storytime (Humor)🚗🧭”

Ponderings

My Trip to Costco: Coronavirus & A Great Sneeze🦋 (Humor)

The saint and I decided to stop by Costco this evening for a few items. We should’ve known how the trip was going to go down by the absence of carts at the entrance. Not a single cart was there to grab.

“There’s carts in the back, the very back,” a lady was telling an Asian family nearby who looked particularly befuddled. We were, too. “All the way at the back of the store!”

Armed with this information (the military verbs start already), the saint and I find a shopping cart in the wild and throw a Pokeball. After a few wobbles, it’s a catch. We begin our shopping trip.

Continue reading “My Trip to Costco: Coronavirus & A Great Sneeze🦋 (Humor)”

Exercise Challenges

Author: Biking in Bamboo Forest (iFit Cycling) & Act of Kindness 🇯🇵🚴‍♀️

Today I did my second ride in the iFit Japan series. I’m doing a challenge to complete this series this month. At the end, iFit will be mailing me some kind of a reward. I’m very excited. 😉

But for the life of me, I can’t find the iFit Japan playlist, so that I can follow the exercise series in order. Today my trainer greeted me with: “We’re on our eighth ride today and it’s one of our harder ones! Lots of incline and we’re going to be doing three and four minute intervals. Are you ready for this? Come on, let’s go!”

I think I heard my guardian angel laugh at me.

Continue reading “Author: Biking in Bamboo Forest (iFit Cycling) & Act of Kindness 🇯🇵🚴‍♀️”

Contest Entries

Author: Terrible Poem About Love💚

Prepare yourself. Take a deep breath. This week’s Terrible Poetry Contest theme is love. My entry is below. Best of terrible luck to you. May the bard’s strings break and curl from hearing your poem.

___

The Green Love

My love for you is like pickles, my dear
You’re like a giant pickle yourself.
Wrinkled, vinegary, tart and you make my mouth pucker

But frogs, my dear–consider
Will never croak our love ballads out the way you do
Birds fall out of the sky, dead at your winsome, cat crying tones.

Screams! My love for you is but a ballad of curled beards
Curled like your toes made of mahogany wood
Oh my dear, I sigh in love
Like a dill pickle.

-A. R. Clayton

Contest Entries, Short Stories & Poetry

Terrible Poem: “Oh, I’m a Gonna Go!”🎶

Oh, I’m a Gonna Go!

I’m a gonna go out where the wind durst blow
Sand in my knickers and mud in my toes
Where cow pies rightly disappear and the crickets eat them dangburned rusted bandoliers!
Where the guns don’t get to shootin’,
Where there’s no high brow falutin’
And everyone dances ’till half past three…
If you need me, why that there where’s I’ll be…!
In the Land of Absolution…!

-A.R. Clayton


There’s too much fun to be had at this week’s Terrible Poetry contest. Have fun and keep writing. ✏️

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: The VERY Weird Week of Weeks 🏳️

I can’t share everything, but let’s just dive into the deep end, shall we? Don’t run off now…We’re just getting started!

  • I nearly got knocked out (and I mean one-two, you’re out!) by my dog (accidentally). She was excited to see me and she was excited for her dinner–all at the same time. It was too much happiness for her to contain and process. Silly me, I knelt down to pet her and she knocked her skull against my lower jaw–hard–in her sheer and utter ecstasy. Now I know what a boxer must feel like. 🥊
  • I made a lady mad at me for my chip not working in my debit card at her register, even though their new machines weren’t working right. That was pleasant, along with her begging me (her hands were pressed together like she was praying) to look into my card’s issues. Ahem. Usually a machine will have you swipe after awhile if it can’t read your chip and all is well. Oh, no. Let’s give the blue screen of death instead and blame the customer. Cheers.
  • I got to watch someone take their driver’s test in the parking garage the other day. I’m only half kidding. I watched as someone backed up a few times in front of three waiting cars to wiggle the butt of their car into position. And then, by golly, they went for it! They went into reverse (yes, reverse; did I stutter?) into an angled parking space. I promise you, if you keep going up there are indeed more magical rectangle spaces for your fine steed. Come with me if you want to park!
  • I received a slightly panicked phonecall requesting immediate assistance, along with a half hearted warning that I may not want to come after all. That was fun. Yes, yes: everyone calm down. I’m on the case. I think.
  • My key kept getting stuck in my car’s ignition. After awhile, I think my car was trying to tell me something: “Don’t go out there, mother. It’s not worth it!” How right he is.

How about you, how was your week? Leave a thought below and hit that follow button if you want to join this crazy thing called Peregrine Arc. Ker-kaw and sakes alive, she even writes books! ✏️

Cheers.