My dog cursed out both our vet and our vet tech today. It’s a little known fact that if you translate a dog’s barks, you’ll get language unfit for anyone’s ears. Our vet’s office has been coming out to owner’s vehicles during the pandemic to take the animals in for their treatment; they gives a verbal summary of the treatment at the end.
My dog’s speeches went something like this:
“I told you to get away from this car, you cheap tiara wearing, cat lover who dunks their biscuits in beef gravy and doesn’t share. If you get any closer to MY PERSON, I’ll dig your own muddy grave with my bare paws, you squirrel’s bottom!”
“Please stop barking. I’m so sorry, she usually isn’t like this–“
“And another thing, you blunt toothed canine prancer, spawn of feline, you. You smell disgustingly sweet and clean. When’s the last time you rolled around in poo, or in anything dead and rotting? Does your kind have no decency? You smell like cat and whiskery things that are made to be eaten! Well, today’s your day, lady…SAY YOUR LAST WORDS.”
*Later, in the car ride home…*
“So would you like to explain yourself today? Hmm, oh doggo of mine bosom?”
*Dog gives me the stink eye before leisurely responding from the backseat.*
“They’re all demons and work for Satan himself. If you take me back to that portal of hell and they shove that thermometer into my fluffy bottom again, I’ll take you down with me. And you better expect another pile of throw-up tonight just for sheer spite. Now roll down this window, I need to sniff this funny dog sitting next to us in traffic… HEY, YOU THERE! You’re not a dog; you’re a raccoon in a collar! Hey! Hey! Hey! YOU SMELL CLEAN! HAH HAH HAH!”
That was my day. How was yours? Cheers!
Peregrine Arc 