Contest Entries

Author: Terrible Poem About Love💚

Prepare yourself. Take a deep breath. This week’s Terrible Poetry Contest theme is love. My entry is below. Best of terrible luck to you. May the bard’s strings break and curl from hearing your poem.

___

The Green Love

My love for you is like pickles, my dear
You’re like a giant pickle yourself.
Wrinkled, vinegary, tart and you make my mouth pucker

But frogs, my dear–consider
Will never croak our love ballads out the way you do
Birds fall out of the sky, dead at your winsome, cat crying tones.

Screams! My love for you is but a ballad of curled beards
Curled like your toes made of mahogany wood
Oh my dear, I sigh in love
Like a dill pickle.

-A. R. Clayton

Contest Entries, Short Stories & Poetry

Terrible Poem: “Oh, I’m a Gonna Go!”🎶

Oh, I’m a Gonna Go!

I’m a gonna go out where the wind durst blow
Sand in my knickers and mud in my toes
Where cow pies rightly disappear and the crickets eat them dangburned rusted bandoliers!
Where the guns don’t get to shootin’,
Where there’s no high brow falutin’
And everyone dances ’till half past three…
If you need me, why that there where’s I’ll be…!
In the Land of Absolution…!

-A.R. Clayton


There’s too much fun to be had at this week’s Terrible Poetry contest. Have fun and keep writing. ✏️

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: Overheard in the Peregrine Household (Quick Humor) 🤭

The joys of stomach viruses, folks. Enjoy. ✏️

The Saint: “But I wanted to finish painting my room tomorrow…”

Me: “Do you think it’s a good idea to be in a room with the windows open in December when you’re sick? I don’t want you running to the bathroom like it’s your last life in Mario either.”

Ba dum, cchsssh. 🥁

Quick humor

Ten Second Humor: Ear Infection & Ghosts👻👂

You know you don’t feel good when it sounds like someone’s walking around upstairs in your house and you shrug and break out into impromptu opera.

“Oh well,” you think. “Maybe the ghost-intruder will like it and is shuffling along, dancing in his white, bloody sheet.”

Delirium, thy name is…zzz…

Cheers!

Brief Humor & Check-Ins

Author: October Cycling & Writing Goals 🚴‍♀️ (Heaven Help Me)

Well, Arcians, I’m stepping out onto the proverbial literary edge here. I have a fitness goal for October: bicycle every day in the month for a minimum of 30 minutes.  That’s right, 31 days x 30 min = around 15.5 hours of my tush on the cush. I’m ready…I think.

Writing goals: write at least one solid chapter of my novel, GOTD. I’ve been really struggling with writing; ever since my laptop went kaput, my motivation and confidence seemed to go along with it. My protagonist has literally been stuck inside his burning house for about four months now and is glaring at me, vehemently, from offstage. I can’t say I blame him. The chapter is like watching a Roomba try to vacuum an octagonal room: we’re going to be here for awhile.

What are your goals for October? Want to join me on the fitness journey? Leave a comment below and we can drag each other over the finish line. I’ll even have Mr. Swinebotttom do an uplifting cheer. It’ll be great fun.

Oh, P.S. This has happened to me, twice (see below image). This tells me I’m  doing this cycling thing really great, or really badly. Yes, that’s a broken pedal. And yes, I didn’t think it was possible either. I pedaled the pedal off, if you will. Straight off. Twice. Lock your doors at night; I’m a mad woman. 🚴‍♀️

Ker-kaw!

kimg0007.jpg

 

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Short Stories & Poetry

Author: A Time of Kerfluffles (Bad Poetry / Humorous Happenings) 🌠

Based on true events….

A Time of Kerfluffles

Two weeks ago, my eyeglasses broke. The pin popped out and the tech’s head just shook. “Too bad, you’re out of luck; you’re a blind, little bat now you idle schmuck. And don’t stumble on the welcome mat on the way out, you putz!”

My finger, shortly thereafter, broke in two; would I ever lie to you? Oh well, it’s just a strain, but I do have people sign my little splint just the same.

And then last Tuesday, I recall still yet with dread: I stepped on a rusty nail head! No scratches, no impailments, no ER trips or sky rocket payments. Tetanus shot is up to date and my guardian angel is going on vacation, post haste.

And then yesterday, or was it two days ago hence? I broke my car’s side mirror, to my garage’s horror and my proceeding recompense. Seven years of bad luck is mine from parking a smidgen too close inside.

No worries and have no fear. Because, even if this superstition is true, it’ll be over so very soon. At my current rate, I’ll be free of this bad luck around, well…let’s calculate and see. Why the year six thousand, four hundred and ninety three!

Awards

Author: Ze Lovely Liebster Award (Humor | I Nominate You) 🏆

Thanks, Steve and Ms. Muffin-pie. You guys bring light into the world. Never stop shining. Or sharpening those claws…😹

Crack on.

Continue reading “Author: Ze Lovely Liebster Award (Humor | I Nominate You) 🏆”

Contest Entries, Short Stories & Poetry

Author: Terrible Poetry Contest Entry

This week’s Terrible Poetry Contest is over at Chelsea’s page. Give it a read, give it a whirl, chuckle and snuffle until the words all swirl.

This week’s theme is losing something dear to you. I was daring and wrote about losing my patience.

Continue reading “Author: Terrible Poetry Contest Entry”

Contest Entries

Terrible Poetry Entry: Parody of “Death (Dog) be not proud”

Here’s my entry for Chelsea Owen’s current Terrible Poetry Contest:

Parody of “Death be not proud” by John Donne

Continue reading “Terrible Poetry Entry: Parody of “Death (Dog) be not proud””

Mr. Reginald Swinebottom Presents...

Mr. Swinebottom Presents: The Author, A Librarian and A Tale of Fright (Humor)

The curtain rustles and Mr. Swinebottom sticks his head out through a parting, appearing quite abruptly. For a moment, he appears to be a floating head, his rounded spectacles flashing against the stage lighting eerily. He gathers himself and walks through the parting, dusting off the invisible lint on his pressed pants and tail coat.

“Ladies and gentleman, I know we’re currently in the middle of “The Tale of the Terrible Traffic”, but for your viewing pleasure tonight, we’ll be adding a special vignette to this evening’s intermission. With us backstage is the saint–or as you know, the author’s spouse. He will be debuting with us tonight. So please, gather your wits, or what you have left of them, sit back and prepare to be…entertained…”

An orchestra underneath the stage erupts into a fanfare of trumpeting and cymbals. Mr. Swinebottom jumps and runs to his stool for safety, startled by the sudden appearance of live music. He glares at the blog writer and flicks on his reading lamp curtly, mumbling about dirty tricks and a lack of respect for artists. He adjusts his spectacles tightly and readies his script.

“Our story begins on one cold, November evening…”

Continue reading “Mr. Swinebottom Presents: The Author, A Librarian and A Tale of Fright (Humor)”