Labrador Lessons, Quick humor

Author: My Dog Curses Out Veternarian Staff (Humor) 🐾

My dog cursed out both our vet and our vet tech today. It’s a little known fact that if you translate a dog’s barks, you’ll get language unfit for anyone’s ears. Our vet’s office has been coming out to owner’s vehicles during the pandemic to take the animals in for their treatment; they gives a verbal summary of the treatment at the end.

My dog’s speeches went something like this:

“I told you to get away from this car, you cheap tiara wearing, cat lover who dunks their biscuits in beef gravy and doesn’t share. If you get any closer to MY PERSON, I’ll dig your own muddy grave with my bare paws, you squirrel’s bottom!”

“Please stop barking. I’m so sorry, she usually isn’t like this–“

“And another thing, you blunt toothed canine prancer, spawn of feline, you. You smell disgustingly sweet and clean. When’s the last time you rolled around in poo, or in anything dead and rotting? Does your kind have no decency? You smell like cat and whiskery things that are made to be eaten! Well, today’s your day, lady…SAY YOUR LAST WORDS.”

*Later, in the car ride home…*

“So would you like to explain yourself today? Hmm, oh doggo of mine bosom?”

*Dog gives me the stink eye before leisurely responding from the backseat.*

“They’re all demons and work for Satan himself. If you take me back to that portal of hell and they shove that thermometer into my fluffy bottom again, I’ll take you down with me. And you better expect another pile of throw-up tonight just for sheer spite. Now roll down this window, I need to sniff this funny dog sitting next to us in traffic… HEY, YOU THERE! You’re not a dog; you’re a raccoon in a collar! Hey! Hey! Hey! YOU SMELL CLEAN! HAH HAH HAH!”

That was my day. How was yours? Cheers!

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Labrador Lessons

Author: Dog Owner Truths (Humor Needed in 2020) 💩 💀🥕

Fun fact: I own a dog who is not only never happy, she’s also never had food before. I’ll offer her a baby carrot* on which she’ll crunch on and then look at me shortly for another.

“I’ve never had a carrot before, mother.”

“You just had six.”

*intense stare with violin music*

The next day, I offer her a mushroom while cooking.

“I’ve never had a mushroom, mother–“

The next-next day.

“Would you like your dinner?”

“I’ve never had—“

You get the jist.

In fact, she was just whining to me while I typed this. I looked up, asked her to come to my chair…and watched as she passed me and sauntered into the kitchen instead.

The sassiness is real.

I once had a vet tech tell me my dog was overweight. (She was, but only by a few pounds, which she quickly shed with walks. The saint and I both thought she was too thin after we rescued her. Apparently we went overboard on the treats…)

The vet tech said “If your dog is still hungry after her meals, try mixing in frozen veggies into her kibble.”

I just stared at this said vet tech. I wanted to know where she went to school. Had she ever owned a dog? What mockery was this?

“She’s a Lab. They’re ALWAYS hungry!”

It’s a universally acknowledged truth, that a plate in possession of a delicious meal is clearly in want of a Labrador…


I should go back now and educate this young vet tech some more. How my dog loves to sniff out other animal poo (and eat it, if she’s too fast for us to stop her), jump around excitedly after successfully going herself (a practice I think we should all adopt) and her penultimate favorite:

She loves to eat dead things. Case in point:

I think a hawk or an owl dropped a half of something in our backyard one day, that used to be a whole something. Oh, don’t you worry–my dog found it. Yes, indeed. And proceeded to put it inside her mouth! That was a happy day for her. Oh, happy, happy days. And an entertaining day for my neighbors as well, while they watched me chase my dog around our yard and pry her little stubborn jaws open…


Just some quick humor, all you wonderful readers. I ordered a ring light for my YouTube channel (which is recently, yet slowly, up and running). I’m hoping to film some more this weekend and picked up some goodies for some projects. Subscribe, follow and sashsay.

Write on! ✏️

Feel free to share said bloggy if you so feel inclined. Bloggy would be most pleased. Adieu.

*Check PetMD and or with your vet before giving your dog different foods to try. Be safe–their bodies and nutritional needs are different than ours.

Blogmas 2019, Labrador Lessons

Blogmas: The Joys of Labradors (Humor |Day 16)🐾

We have a Labrador Retriever mix. She was heartworm positive when she was rescued and she’s been free of heartworm and healthy ever since. Three cheers!

Here are a few funny thoughts about our dog that have come up over the years. See if you can relate to any.

  1. My Labrador believes she is a lap dog. My dog weighs around 52lbs and likes to sit on top of me, while I’m sitting in a chair. Her butt usually ends up right around my neck. Yes, dear dog of mine, I’m not going anywhere. Wouldn’t dream of it.
  2. Labs love to eat. I once had a vet tech suggest to me that if my dog was still hungry after her meals, to simply mix frozen vegetables into her dog food. My response? “She’s a Lab; she’s always hungry.” If I left her dog food canister open, I’d come home to a very happy walrus.
  3. I asked my dog recently: “What would you do if you had opposable thumbs?” Her answer: “Open the refrigerator door, of course.”
  4. Lastly, I like to check in with my dog. See if she feels loved, safe and well taken care of. Her critique? “More num nums, less baths. Keep congratulating me after I go poo; it’s a big deal to me. And let me roll around in dead things more often. It’s a treat you humans just simply don’t understand.”

And there you have it. I plan to catch up on my cycling today and tomorrow. I’ll try to post a picture of the timer later.

See you tomorrow for Day 17! 🚴‍♀️

Labrador Lessons

Author: Getting Your Dog Through Fireworks & Storms🎆⛈️

It’s the Labrador here, taking over the blog for a moment to introduce the article I had my human write. Between the lighting, thunder and those strange boom-booms that come once a year, I’ve had it up to here with the weather and you humans making things explode into funny smells. Lucky for me, my mom understands me pretty well when I’m scared. Here’s some things she does for me when the scary stuff happens. Use this with your companion and I’m sure it’ll help them like it does me.

And remember–we want to please you. We’re just scared. Please be patient with us; we need love all the time, especially when we’re frightened. Don’t you?

Continue reading “Author: Getting Your Dog Through Fireworks & Storms🎆⛈️”

Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Labrador Lessons

Author: Method #491 of Calming the Labrador (Sing Elvis)

Our dog (who, by chance, is the inspiration for a character in my book) greatly dislikes thunderstorms. It could be just heat lightning; it could be only remnants of thunder. If it’s both, it’s all over. Let the shaking, pacing, panting and anxiety begin.

Thundercoats only take the edge off for the Labrador; treats and toys are but momentary distractions. One boom-boom and we’re off to bury ourselves behind the couch cushions.

But recently, I had a breakthrough. And it’s Elvis. I began to sing “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” to the Lab, and then played the song while singing. After about fifteen renditions, I had a calm dog ready to go sleep. The storm was also done by then, but the singing helped her to stay by me during the storm. Instead of pacing, she sat by me and eventually laid down. Her panting and anxiety decreased, too. I call that a win.

So here you go. Let me know if this works for you the next time your animal kingdom companion builds up anxiety. The king would be proud. 🎤

Our lab, looking majestic. Thanks for reading.
Labrador Lessons

Labrador Lessons III: Pace Thyself, Human! (Our First 10k)

There are gulpers and there are chippers in this world. I am a gulper. There are no stages, no stepping stones of graduated achievements with how I proceed. There is simply the goal and myself, whatever it may be. Everything between me and the goal must be overcome. And now, today, this very instant in fact! Definitely not tomorrow or a wishy-washy “sometime later, honey.” I will stay the course, finish strong, even if doctors and nurses hurry behind me with a crash cart and tranquilizer darts. Reality be darned!

All this I thought today during my first 10k, walking at a steady pace with my saintly husband* and tolerant Labrador. And then my Lab, during mile six, laid down in the middle of the road during a water break. She peered up at me and my so-called goals.

“Go ahead–try to move me, human,” my Labrador taunted me from the ground. “But you’re going to carry my 55lb butt back to the air conditioned car. And then I’m gonna pee all over your azaleas you just planted so lovingly…”

Continue reading “Labrador Lessons III: Pace Thyself, Human! (Our First 10k)”

The said Labrador Retriever.
Labrador Lessons

Labrador Lessons II: Bark at Suspicion

We’ve owned our Labrador Retriever rescue mix for about a year now. We will celebrate her adoption day soon. During our time together she continually developed her resume and list of self-appointed duties. These duties culminated into a steadfast guarding of her people who feed her and take her on patrol marches around the parameters of her territory. Our Lab is a gentle soul, but grows protective and suspicious of the outside world. It is a scary time, after all. She reads newspapers; she knows. Continue reading “Labrador Lessons II: Bark at Suspicion”

Labrador Lessons

Labrador Lessons: Lesson 1

I own a Labrador Retriever mix, a dog who is the inspiration for a canine character (or two) in my new novel. When the real dog barked in the middle of a sentence tweak or the fiddling of a paragraph, the fictional dog barked, too. When one spied a dastardly preschooler circling our block on a tricycle, pig tails a flyin’ without care, honor or worry, both dogs raised their hackles and the barking commenced. When one had to pee…well… One must have a sense of humor in these things. Continue reading “Labrador Lessons: Lesson 1”