“This is Reginald Swinebottom presents. Welcome to Day 14 of Blogmas 2018. Heaven help us today…”
Mr. Swinebottom and the author are sitting on stools onstage, facing eachother. The theatre lights dim as the author glares at a kid in the front row chewing gum in Mr. Swinebottom’s pristine theatre.
Mr. Swinebottom (SB): “We’ve gathered a number of questions from our audience members tonight. They were instructed to think of unusual or insightful questions.
“I’m very excited, so let’s start! First question from one of tonight’s guests…Do you prefer seedless watermelon or watermelon with seeds?”
Author (A): “With seeds. Don’t mess with my watermelon. I will fruit ninja you.”
SB: “Somebody actually asked that. Points for uniqueness. Alright, question number two. If you had to kiss an elephant’s butt, would you?”
A: “Am I being punk’d? I’m not giving an elephant my germs. How rude is that. Elephants are highly intelligent animals. Have you considered the elephant’s feelings? And who would order me to do that in the first place?”
SB: “That one was written in crayon. I think it was a joke. Let’s move on. If you were stranded on a deserted island, what would you bring?”
A: “If I knew ahead of time someone was going to kidnap and leave me on an island, I’d call the police and have them arrested. What a bizarre question.”
SB: “I think you missed the spirit of the question, buddy. It’s meant to get at what your dearest possession is, I think. Or what you’d most need.”
SB: “He’s already there. The saint and Labrador, too.”
A: “We couldn’t take down the kidnapper together? Alright, how about a water purifying system? Or a Sears house building kit?”
A: “Oh! I know. An unending supply of toothpaste. I’ve seen Castaway. I’m not going down that road…”
Mr. Swinebottom turns slightly green and quickly shuffles through his index cards.
SB: “If you could have a superpower, what would it–”
A: “I’m a woman. What’s your superpower?”
Mr. Swinebottom breaks into vigorous applause, eyes shining with pride. The author flashes a peace sign and does a little dance in her seat.
SB: “Well said! And we’ll end with this one. If you had one wish, what would it be? And you can’t wish for more wishes, my cunning and literal friend.”
A: “You know me too well. Could I wish for a genie to grant me unlimited wishes? Huh, huh? That doesn’t count, right?”
SB: “Sometimes I think you should’ve been an attorney. You can spot loopholes a mile away. It’s a gift.”
A: “Thanks! Then my first wish would be for someone to leave a review on Memory Bound on Amazon. Give it a read and see what you think!”
SB: “This is Reginald Swinebottom presents. Join us tomorrow for Blogmas Day 15. And may all our wishes come true. If they’re fair and pure, that is. And treats elephants fairly. So long!”