Blogmas 2018

Blogmas Day 4: How Writers See the World (Humor | Indie Author)

“Hello and this is Reginald Swinebottom presents. Welcome to Day 4 of of our Blogmas 2018 Premiere. Sit back, relax and watch the chaos unwind around you. This is How Writers See the World…

“Psst…while you’re here, please hit subscribe and help us get to 100 Arcians. We’d love to have you with us on this journey. Memory Bound is also up for sale, our author’s first published book. It’s a horror novel with some parts taking place at Christmas time. It’s got load of layers, mystery and humor. Give it a whirl!”

“Tonight, we have our author on stage with us. She’ll sit on her stool there, I’ll sit on mine here, and we’ll do a question-answer dialogue. I’ll present her with a situation and she’ll associate it with a writing theme of some kind–whatever pops into her head. If all works out accordingly, we’ll get a glimpse into our writer’s mind. I’m tingling with anticipation.”

The author is grinning like a fool. She waves vigorously at the audience, a nervous, bizarre smile plastered across her features. She’s wearing a Mr. Swinebottom fan sweatshirt with black leggings. A “This is Reginald Swinebottom Presents!” fan button is proudly displayed on her sweater.

“I’m so excited to be here! I’m your number one fan–I really am! Eep–I’m a little nervous, haha!”

Mr. Swinebottom blinks openly and slowly smiles. He’s embarrassed but clearly pleased at the flattery. He grabs his cue cards and they begin, the theatre lights dimming to a spotlight above the pair.

“First scenario: You are walking through the mall with the saint. I know you hate the mall, but pretend it’s one of your biannual wedding ring check-ups and you have to go, okay? And lo and behold–you see a stage four temper tantrum. A toddler is glued to the floor, screaming, kicking and crying. The parents are at their wit’s end and trying everything from suckers to teddy bears to calm the child down. The question is, what is your reaction?”

Author: “Willy Wonka.”

Mr. Swinebottom furrows his eyebrows and gestures for the author to explain.

“If kids and parents took Roald Dahl’s books seriously, there’d be no spoiled kids left. We all know Veruca Salt, right? One of the characters from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? She wanted a golden egg, she wanted a golden ticket; if she were an American child, she would have wanted Fort Knox. What she needed (as Charlie’s grandfather says in the movie) was a “golden” kick in the pants…”

Mr. Swinebottom laughs nervously and straightens his bowtie. Several children in the front row squirm farther back into their seats, looking anxiously up at their parents. Mr. Swinebottom readies the next cue card.

“Our second scenario. You’re taking a walk with Ru, your Labrador, who shares the name of another Labrador in your recently published novel, Memory Bound. On sale now folks for $12.99 at Amazon–$5.99 for ebook!”

The author grins at the the interviewer and they flash each other thumbs up signs.

Author: “Thanks, pal!”

“You bet. So you and Ru are walking, when suddenly, two sports cars come speeding around the corner, drag racing. Granted, you and Ru get to an area off the side of the road and are safe. Your reaction?”

Author: “The guillotine.”

The interviewer closes his eyes painfully. He dabs at his forehead breaking out into perspiration with his handkerchief. He hesitates and then gestures for the author to explain.

“The guillotine was invented in the second half of the 18th century as a more humane form of execution. There’s no reason to be drag racing in a residential area. Go out to the desert and fry your engines there. Or I can sharpen up the blades on the guillotine. Idiots.

“On a lighter note, I have a small guillotine I use in my kitchen everday. Makes cutting potatoes into french fries a dream!”

The children in the front row squirm back even further into their seats. Some are hiding behind their hands; others behind their mother’s elbows. Everyone else is laughing or nodding sternly in agreement. Mr. Swinebottom is caught somewhere inbetween all these reactions.

“And our third and last scenario. Three people just bought a copy of your novel and each of them left a review on Amazon. One is positive, another neutral and the last is negative. Reaction?”

Mr. Swinebottom looks timidly up, half-expecting the author to produce her miniature guillotine from somewhere about herself. Instead, the author is smiling with a glisten to her eyes.

“I’d be ever so happy–as long as the criticism and feedback is productive and not ad hominen. No one’s left a review yet so I’m tickled pink to see what everyone thinks!”

The interviewer looks clearly relieved and pats the author’s hands in comfort. He offers the author a spare, clean handkerchief in the shape of a pencil eraser.

“You’ve heard it here, ladies and gentleman. This is Reginald Swinebottom presents and this was a small peek into a writer’s mind. Join us tomorrow for Blogmas 2018: Day 5!”

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