Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Novel Snippets

Author Interviews Herself on New Book: Memory Bound (Humor)

Interviewer: “Good afternoon, Arcians! We are excited to have with us today, up and coming indie author A.R. Clayton. Peregrine Arc is her platform and Memory Bound is her first pending publication. Welcome!”

Author: “Thank you. I don’t know what an Arcian is but thank you for having me.”

Interviewer: “It’s something I came up with backstage. Your followers need a name, right?”

Author: “Do they?”

Interviewer: “…Yes. Yes they do. Moving on. First question from our fans. What inspired you to be a writer?”

Author: “I’m still stuck on the Arcian thing. Followers should already have names, unless the hospital forgot to write them in on their birth certificate. Or their parents couldn’t make up their minds. Or maybe they were switched at birth, and their actual name is something horrible, like Swinebottom. Imagine finding that out when you’re twenty. That would be dreadful…”

Interviewer: (Laughs nervously to the camera). “The question is, what inspired you to start writing, A.R.?”

Author: “…Those are my initials, not my name. Um, I would say, a vivid imagination. Is that good?”

Interviewer: “I’ll take it at this point. And what projects are you working on right now?”

Author: “Well, we’re working on painting my writing room. We just put up Halloween decorations. Getting the yard and house tidied up. I finally cleaned our carpets. The amount of Labrador fur I sucked up was unreal. How our dog isn’t bald yet is beyond my capacity to understand.”

Interviewer: (Looks a little piqued; a pulsating vein is beginning to stick out of his forehead.)

Author: “Next project is garage cleanup and getting our fireplace in order. We’re making good progress! I’m tickled pink.”

Interviewer:  “As this is an interview about you as an author, I meant what writing projects are you working on?”

Author: “Ah. You really should be more specific. That’s bad writing. Let’s see, my main project is working on a science fiction novel called–”

(Lights go out; camera blacks out momentarily.)

Interviewer: “Ah, so sorry. Technical difficulties, but we’re back on the air. I understand you don’t give away your title names anyway so next question. What’s Memory Bound about?”

Author: (Takes out a cue card and recites in monotone). “Memory Bound is a horror novel with a sprinkle of mystery that keeps readers guessing until the final page.”

Interviewer: “…Why are you reading off of a cue card?”

Author: “It’s how I was told to speak about my books. It has to be catchy and flashy. Wing bam–marketing, ka-blam! Apparently authors aren’t supposed to trust their readers have brains. We have to razzle and dazzle. I think it’s a lot of nonsense myself.”

Interviewer: (Dabs at his sweaty forehead with a handkerchief).

Author: “But if I were to explain Memory Bound myself, I would say this. The main character’s name is Anne. She has schizophrenia. The novel is a blend of what’s real and what’s not real. She buys a historical mansion to fix up and a lot of odd things begin to happen. Scary, twisted things. She has to try to figure out what’s real and what isn’t. The novel speaks to current situations in America, what truth and memory are, and the consequences of how we treat vulnerable people. The story takes off from there.”

Interviewer: (Looks visibly relieved. Smiles a little for the first time.)

Author: “I’m ready for your next question, maestro. My favorite color, perhaps? Tea blend? Movie? Or some other nonsense?”

Interviewer: (Throws some interview questions behind his shoulder and loosens tie.) “Of–of course not. Now then, what advice would you give to aspiring authors?”

Author: “My advice is very simple. Write and read. Read and write. Repeat ad nauseam. And read good literature–not the crap that’s out there. And there’s a lot of it.”

Interviewer: “Ad nauseam…?”

Author: “Until you puke your guts out. It’s Latin.”

Interviewer: “How…pleasant.”

Author: (Begins to stand up.) “Are we done yet? I need to get back to writing.”

Interviewer: “But we still have more questions! What’s your science fiction novel about? Why do you insist on  putting dogs in all your novels? Why do you sneer at the business side of writing? Wait–come back!”

(Author has gone out the back stage exit door. Interviewer is left with his index card with typed questions and glaring stage lights. He turns to face the camera, his eyes looking much like a surprised owl’s.)

Interviewer: “Until next time, Arcians! Pick up Memory Bound soon. It’ll be a great Halloween treat–or a good Thanksgiving dessert, depending on when the second editor gets done. Thanks for joining us!”

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