Mr. Swinebottom walks on stage, holding a couple of cue cards. He is dressed in a bright yellow, plush pencil costume which he clearly finds quite cozy and comfortable. He smiles once briefly and wipes some sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief in the shape of a pink eraser. After a few stretches, he clears his throat vigorously and hums a tune through his nose to find his pitch, closing one nostril and then the other.
“And now for a word from our supporters. Feel free to bounce along in your seats, ladies and gentleman. Clapping is permitted, during this performance…”
The theater lights go off; a spotlight appears on Mr. Swinebottom on stage. He begins tapping a foot and swaying his shoulders, his back momentarily to the audience. He begins his rap song, with vigor.
“Want an editor who won’t disappoint? Then meet our Starr, who is always on point. She knows her commas, adjective tenses and how to make sense out of our meandering sentences. She’ll help slice, dice and split up your paragraphs, but only by your leave will she begin to cleave. Oxford commas are her friends, and you can ask her questions about them to no end. But see a change that just won’t do? Are you fearful of a derring do? Stet, stet she will accept. Now step, step–watch my steps!”
Mr. Swinebottom breaks out into a vigorous dance routine, complete with spins and hip-hop leg twists. The audience begins to clap along and stands up chanting “Stet, stet, now watch my steps! Now hey! Now ho…!”
Mr. Swinebottom rests in a pose on the floor, singing the rest with spot-on fleek with a hand supporting his pencil capped head.
“Would you even like to look into a beta reader? Then look no further, my little needer. She has a list–a whole nice crew!–and they’ll give your book a thorough read-through. But contact her now for her slot, and you could be her next Sherlock. A case–a case is what I mean; your narrative, your plot is what she’ll need. She’ll comb through, as I’ve told, and her feedback is worth more than ten Rajahs’ gold. She has an opening now so scurry on over–the Quiethouse is the place for your next book makeover.”
The audience whistles and cheers. Many are on top of their chairs, hooting and applauding and chanting for more. Mr. Swinebottom flashes a peace sign and readies his fisted mic for one last message.
“And yes, Ms. Starr Waddell was the primary editor on Memory Bound. And you can take that to the bank. Thank you for joining me in a word from our supporters. This is Reginald Swinebottom presents and this is my rap debut.”
Click here for Starr’s homepage and here for her contact form. She’s easy to talk with, funny and you guys can talk pricing, timelines and maybe even your love of Oxford commas. Tell her Mr. Swinebottom referred you; he’ll be glad you did.