Blogmas 2018, Mr. Reginald Swinebottom Presents...

Blogmas Day 5: Vegan “Power Writing” Breakfast Recipe (Humor | Indie Author)

“Hello and this is Reginald Swinebottom presents. Welcome to Day 5 of of our Blogmas 2018 Premiere. Please, join us in the kitchen today for a very merry “Power Writing” Breakfast Recipe. And bring your wooden spoons, because we’re cooking today!”

Mr. Swinebottom walks on stage, complete in a white chef’s outfit with an overly poofy chef’s hat. The chef’s hat has yarn spaghetti with red yarn meatballs perched on top as the chosen decor. A cart stands next to him, laid out with recipe ingredients, kitchen tools and a jolly, miniature Christmas tree. A small, tabletop gas stove is built into the cart. The chef holds up a wooden spoon to greet the audience; several eager fans raise their spoons in return and the hall roars with applause.

“Welcome to our first cooking show on Peregrine Arc! We’ll be cooking a “Power Writing Breakfast Burrito”, one that’ll give you fuel to write that next great American novel. Or Syrian novel. Russian, African, Japanese, Haitian–you name it. Whatever your country is, you find a pencil and you go for it!

“This is a vegan recipe, which means no animal products will be used, including dairy. The one exception is eggs, as the author is a veggan. V-e-g-g-a-n. Get it?”

The audience stares back blankly. An older man in the front row twitches his mustache impatiently. He looks like he’s ready to go slaughter a cow, have a cheeseburger and be done with this nonsense.

“Ahem, let’s review the ingredients, shall we? We recommend buying the freshest and best ingredients your budget will allow. If using canned, please drain all the liquid as we don’t want our burritos to get soggy. We’ll need…”

  • (1) cup of black beans (canned/fresh)
  • (1) cup of corn (canned/fresh)
  • (2) eggs (omit if strict vegan and carry on!)
  • (1) onion, diced (red, yellow or white–your pick)
  • (1) avocado, peeled and sliced (watch out for that gigantic pit)
  • a handful of sliced cherry tomatoes
  • burrito sized tortillas (a few)
  • vegan cheese of choice (cheddar is what we’re using)
  • cumin
  • chili powder
  • cilantro
  • sea salt
  • freshly ground pepper
  • extra virgin olive oil (EVOO) or vegetable broth (to coat the pan)

“Using our handy, dandy chef’s knife, we’ll slice and dice this onion and add it to our coated pan we already have heated up. Listen to that sizzle! If you’re feeling really zazzy this morning, add some minced garlic.”

Mr. Swinebottom pauses to breathe in the onions and garlic cooking. He grinds some freshly ground pepper and sea salt and wafts the smell to the grumpy man in the front row while doing a momentary jig.

“Once your onions are translucent looking, that’s your sign to add the beans and corn! Give those a quick whirl so they can party it up together in the pan. Add in the tomatoes for a real colorful show. And yay–we’re cooking, people! Give yourself a pat on the back!”

The audience applauds and whistles. A smile twitches in the corner of the grumpy man’s mouth, but only for a moment. Mr. Swinebottom winks at the audience and prepares for the next step, starting into the chorus of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” in a close impersonation of Judy Garland’s voice.

“We’re almost done. In another pan, start up the eggies. We’re doing scrambled with some salt and pepper. But if you want sunny side up, go for it, my sunshiny friends. Runny yolk in a burrito is pure bliss on a writing day. Yum!

“Now, if you’re a season as you go person, start adding the cumin, cilantro and chili powder as you’re cooking. I recommend this to help blend the flavors better. But season to your taste, as you’re eating it! Once you’re happy with the filling, grab a tortilla, tuck your mixture into bed and sprinkle some cheese on top. Your eggs should be done now so add in some of that, too, with the sliced avocado. Fold the burrito and add it back into the pan.

“You have just enough time to do a quick dance in your kitchen while getting your orange juice or another beverage of choice. Flip the burrito over once it’s gotten to a nice golden brown. Once both sides are crispy, and the inside is gooey, you’re ready to eat!”

Mr. Swinebottom slides the burrito onto a white plate and sprinkles some cilantro on top as the garnish. He adds some vegan sour cream on the side and a dollop of fresh salsa. He bends down and offers the the plate to the grumpy old man in the center front row. The old man takes the plate after urging from the people around him. He cautiously takes a bite, chews and finally…smiles.

“This is Reginald Swinebottom presents! Join us tomorrow for Blogmas, Day 6! Leave a show review below, folks, and subscribe for more goodies. And go get cookin’ on that next great novel.”

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