Brief Humor & Check-Ins, Mr. Reginald Swinebottom Presents...

The Smite of February: Indie Author & Mr. Swinebottom

January 2019 has come and gone. February is here, smirking at my door step, holding up my list of to do’s and goals. The paper has a bit of rice stuck on the edges, along with some makeup smudges and wrinkles. January is standing behind her, bedraggled, dressed in a suit and talking into a cell phone. A candy cane is hanging from his left ear and a bit of New Year’s confetti is still in his bangs. An Uber pulls up and away he goes until next year.

“Say, author,” February asks, still holding the list and standing on my front porch in stilletos. “When are you going to edit your short story your editor got back to you about, oh…six weeks ago? And isn’t your writing room done yet? And when exactly are you going to get on your exercise schedule, huh?”

She bats her eyelashes and tosses back a red curl. I’m debating between a good old fashioned door slam or a Tae Kwon Do front kick while she continues her babbling.

“This list isn’t going to complete itself you know. Chip, chop. And when’s the last time you actually did some cardio? Looking a little pudgy, aren’t we…?”

It’s times like these when I call upon my trusty sidekick. Some may call it self confidence. Others may say it’s healthy boundary setting and self esteem.

I call mine…Mr. Swinebottom.

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Blogmas 2018

Blogmas Day 2: The 12 Days of Writing (Humor | Indie Author)

“This is Reginald Swinebottom presents and this is Day 2 of our 2018 Blogmas Premiere. Please join us tonight for “The 12 Days of Writing.” Our orchestra in the pit will accompany us and I will be directing our choir to help with tonight’s performance…”

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Blogmas 2018

2018 Peregrine Arc Blogmas: Starts Tomorrow! (Indie Author | Humor)

Starting tomorrow, join us at Peregrine Arc to kick off our 2018 Blogmas Premiere! Mr. Reginald Swinebottom will be hosting our Blogmas this year. Among his productions, he’ll present “The 12 Days of Writing” in song along with a presentation of “How to Write a Book.” There will be funny lists, tear jerking jokes, and heaps of writer chaos sprinkled with fun, mirth and laughter.

It’s sure to be a stellar treat, so grab your candy canes, bunny slippers and let’s meet! Back here, starting Saturday morning. Stay warm, fellow Arcians! Caw!

Mr. Reginald Swinebottom Presents...

Mr. Swinebottom Presents: The Author, A Librarian and A Tale of Fright (Humor)

The curtain rustles and Mr. Swinebottom sticks his head out through a parting, appearing quite abruptly. For a moment, he appears to be a floating head, his rounded spectacles flashing against the stage lighting eerily. He gathers himself and walks through the parting, dusting off the invisible lint on his pressed pants and tail coat.

“Ladies and gentleman, I know we’re currently in the middle of “The Tale of the Terrible Traffic”, but for your viewing pleasure tonight, we’ll be adding a special vignette to this evening’s intermission. With us backstage is the saint–or as you know, the author’s spouse. He will be debuting with us tonight. So please, gather your wits, or what you have left of them, sit back and prepare to be…entertained…”

An orchestra underneath the stage erupts into a fanfare of trumpeting and cymbals. Mr. Swinebottom jumps and runs to his stool for safety, startled by the sudden appearance of live music. He glares at the blog writer and flicks on his reading lamp curtly, mumbling about dirty tricks and a lack of respect for artists. He adjusts his spectacles tightly and readies his script.

“Our story begins on one cold, November evening…”

Continue reading “Mr. Swinebottom Presents: The Author, A Librarian and A Tale of Fright (Humor)”